The Pitfalls of Perfection

By: Rudianny Zapata

At the age of five, I was introduced into this obsessive cycle of ‘perfectionism’, at five years old my hair was relaxed for the first time. My mother’s reasonings were because my natural hair was too harsh, too complicated, too rebellious; and also at the time, relaxers was the trend of the century. Since then, it has been an ongoing battle with my hair along with my mother. For nine years, all I knew every month was the stinging, chemical smells that going to the salon gave me. I had grown quite used to the pulling and the burn on my scalp. I learnt to become envious of those with “cabello bueno” (good hair in Spanish) due to the hardships I had to go through as a result of my “pelo malo” (bad hair in Spanish). I grew insecure about my hair, every trip to the pool or the beach or any occasion that included water, it was a reminder of the fear of how my hair would get. From a young age, the idea that I had to alter my looks in order to look presentable was implanted in my mind, that at times beauty does hurt, that beauty costs, and that beauty is far from perfection. I learnt this beauty is rather far from the safety of our well-being, mentally and physically.

Society has forced and compelled many to follow through harsh beauty standards. Many of these standards fall under the perfect fair skin, good hair along with the some mile long legs and an hourglass figure for women. Obviously many are not born with such qualities, however, that doesn’t stop many from duplicating the look through intensive, painful treatments. One of the standards that has enlarged around society is hair, although the natural look is becoming popular nowadays. As an individual with “pelo malo” (bad hair in Spanish), I have come across the many limitations my own body has created, however, what most don’t understand just like I once didn’t is that those limitations weren’t there before until they plagued my mind. As a result, I believed so. “Nappily Ever After” is a movie based on a book by Trisha Thomas, that was directed by Haifaa al-Mansour, this film brought up the realization that hair doesn’t rule over me, that the standards are there because that’s what people want, not what you need. I won’t shave it off as the protagonist proceeded to do so, nonetheless, I will suffice with what I have, as many women and men have been gradually learning to.

To begin with, as the movie, Nappily Ever After, started bright visuals about hair were displayed, along with the background song “Doing Me” by Ray BLK. The usage of such song brings forth a sense of irony. This song is quite a favorite for me because it emphasizes on self-confidence and the struggles of being perceived as different by society. For instance, when the singer states;

“I see you following submission I know you’re wishing
that you could let your hair down a mirror,
my emission so why you worrying about being an outcast
don’t you know to do yourself and never ask permission” (BLK, 25-28)

One can’t help but question the path they are taking, am I living my life under my own conditions? Or under the conditions of others? Many fall quite “submissive” as BLK states towards the harsh standards of society. Perfecting your looks in search for acceptance is rather dangerous, you would be feeding parts of yourself to the ones that don’t care who you are but what you are, and how you look. Losing a piece of yourself is not worth risking for just to be accepted in a complex society that will ruin you.

As the movie proceeds, the protagonist, Violet Jones (played by Sanaa Lathan), is narrating as her older self while a memory of when she was younger is shown. A pool, a dangerous zone for those with relaxed or straightened hair, is the scenery for this memory. Her mother “like most black parents [are] consumed by the presentation of her child” (Nappily Ever After, 2:10). Her mother, alike mine, takes great pride at the appearance of her child which is the reasoning for Violet’s mother, Paulette Jones (played by Lynn Whitfield), making her suffer through straightening her hair regularly. What most don’t know, or are oblivious to, is that these solutions to untame one’s hair can take a toll on our daily life, creating havoc as one relies on perfection for far too long. For Violet, as a child “it was a ever-present anxiety to prove that [she] was just as well groomed as any white child” (NEA, 2:30). In other words, due to her mother’s fascination with ‘perfectionism’, Violet was at crisis with herself, her identity, her role in life. She believed looking perfect and acting perfect would give her what she desired a good marriage with a respectable man, a doctor in this case.

As an adult, Violet became a successful publicist, making commercials to persuade people into certain brands or products. One of the commercials that was shown in the movie that she was in charge of, focused on a sexist and predictable pitch. A woman, a white woman with fair skin, long silky, blonde hair along with some long legs would put on some red vibrant lipstick and that would make her perfect and beautiful. Therefore, because she applied some lipstick, a man would notice her and want her. Later on, she was questioned by Will Wright (played by Lyriq Bent) for making such commercials that would influence women into believing that the perfect look are those the actresses in the commercials have. As a hairstylist, he’s trying to change the perception of natural hair starting with Zoe (played by Daria Johns), his daughter. However, he’s “battling [with] TV, commercials, magazines, telling [Zoe] that long straight hair is what makes you beautiful” (NEA, 53:44). The influence of social media along with the content publicist work with, only make matters worse. Although Violet was raised to that idea of perception by her mother, this new generation is surrounded by it. Such content creates a loss for sense of self, identity, and uncertainty of one’s body image. Why would she support and create such content? She retaliates that her job is to simply “reflect on society” (NEA, 54:09), use the beauty standards to attract to the majority of the audience. If it’s hard to change the perspective of one person, imagine trying to change the perspectives of others. It might be possible, however, it is difficult to make people realize that they are the cause that such beauty standards are praised so hard. There needs to be a change in the taste of reality in commercials just as in books, movies, and much more.

The movie was controversial, it raised awareness to the reality of many people. It helped expand the idea that “there is beauty in natural hair”, that it is time to “step outside the box”, and “just be who you are” (NEA), not a pretense of something you’re not. Vice article, “Are Black Parents Partly Culpable in Their Daughters’ Hair Struggle?”, by Taylor Hosking, it states “Zoe represents what could’ve been for Violet, had she not been affected by the long term psychological harm that manifests when a black daughter’s natural looks are questioned and degraded by a parent”. In other words, parents have influenced and pushed their daughters into a cycle where they are at loss with their hair. For me, like many other girls out there, they have wasted ridiculous amount of money on hair treatments, weekly salon appointments. Even the actress that played Violet admitted that “Beauty obviously plays into self esteem and self worth. As black women in this culture…we’ve been told that our hair is not beautiful because it does not look like the European standard, which is long and straight.” (France 2018). At times the cost is even more than just money and time, these treatments are quick they take hours which only makes it more irritable as it is, physically they are painful. Relaxers or perms are treatments that weaken one’s texture and most of the time this would either irritate your scalp or feel like a burning itch somewhere. I had to endure this because my mom would take it upon herself to always make sure I went to the salon religiously. This “helps convey the gravity of a mother’s hold on her daughter’s self-perception, for better or worse.” (Hosking, 2018).
Being in a crisis for identity, sense of self for far too long, it is only a matter of time before one bursts. Having to adapt into a routine to try and look perfect everyday, is unhealthy. One has to come with a consensus with oneself to understand themselves, to set the lines between wants and needs. Violet had never reached at such level with herself, and when everything started to go imperfectly, she couldn’t handle it anymore. After a night out in search of stability and failing, drunk Violet makes a decision she can’t change in the morning. She takes her ex-boyfriend’s clippers and takes it all away, she shaves her hair. “Women cut off their own hair in movies all the time; often, these scenes are coded as moments of hysteria. But in Nappily Ever After, as the clumps of Lathan’s actual hair drop and her eyes grow steely, we realize we’re watching a moment of clarity. As more and more of her head is exposed, Violet finally looks free and in control.” (Johnson, 2018). For Violet, the way to find her true self was by cutting off the toxicness that plagued her life. It was an easy way out, and her subconscious knew that.

I know I said earlier that cutting off my hair like Violet did is out of the picture, however, it might be my time to finally take a break of the burden that hair has been. An unwanted journey of tears and frustration. Poor Violet couldn’t bear the disaster it had already become, she couldn’t bear it anymore. Although, she regretted it in the morning, she learnt a reality that hair, that perfection is an illusion many seek without realizing the toll it actually takes on them. Times are changing, people are changing. People are starting to realize that this dream of perfection is actually a pitfall. A flawed lie that society has made in hopes to create an army of slobs looking for false hopes. Because of movies similar to “Nappily Ever After”, songs like “Doing Me, and people like Will, who emphasize on flourishing internal beauty instead of feeding into the pitfalls of perfection.

In a world where society rules on social media, magazines, movies, books there has been a struggle to illustrate the perspective of minority group that are numerous in comparison to what the lack of such diversity shows. Parents are partly responsible for the outcomes of their daughters’ oppression, but there are many other factors that affect them as well.

“It really goes back to how sad, how tragic it is for a little black girl—and it’s only just starting to change—to have to read stories like Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, Rapunzel, and Cinderella, and it’s not her” (Johnson, 2018).

The lack of representation in famous works for children, introduces them to a world of insecurity at a young age, making them question and realize that there are not many princesses that look like them. What all of these fictional characters have in common is the abundance of beauty, how their hair glows from how silky it is, the lack of color in such films and books teaches children that they are different. Different from the rest, this is when the identity crisis develops just like it did for Violet at such a young age. Just like it developed for thousands of other girls that looked far from those characters. As a result, many girls at such a young age try to look like those other girls in movies. Getting used to the idea that in order to be beautiful they must alter their looks, that the way they look is not good enough for themselves.

In conclusion, our fascination with perfecting our looks comes from the harsh influence society has pushed us to accept. Pushing us further and farther away from ourselves in the process, we lose that spark for sense of self when we let others influence our attitude towards our own body. It is an ongoing battle between self, body, and society. Society first creates harsh criticism towards our body. Then we are persuaded into taking society’s considerations towards our body, allowing them to put limitations into our own body. And lastly, just as we give in to those obnoxious critics, one is at loss with who and what we are. Losing ourselves for a world far away from perfection.

Work Cited

• BLK, Ray. “Doing Me”. Doing Me – Single, Island Records, 2017, track 1. Apple Music,
  https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/doing-me-singe/1238853622
• France, Lisa Respers. “Sanaa Lathan on the Beauty of ‘Nappily Ever After’.” CNN, Cable News Network, 21 Sept. 2018, www.cnn.com/2018/09/21/entertainment/sanaa-lathan-nappily/index.html
• Hosking, Taylor. “This Netflix Movie Suggests Black Parents Are Partly to Blame for Hair Trauma.” Vice, Vice, 25 Sept. 2018, www.vice.com/en_us/article/d3jy37/are-black-parents-partly-culpable-in-their-daughters-hair-struggle.
• Johnson, Tre. “Nappily Ever After Is a Rom-Com About a Woman and Her Hair.” The Hive, Vanity Fair, 4 Oct. 2018, www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2018/09/nappily-ever-after-sanaa-lathan-netflix-interview-hair.
• “Nappily Ever After.” IMDb, IMDb.com, 21 Sept. 2018, www.imdb.com/title/tt0365545/.